VH1 Pickup Artist 2 Casting

alright, so i was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and shocker, we started to talk about women. i know you're thinking this was some strange perverted objectifying conversation; but that was actually the conversation before that.

i'm not trying to offend any christians here, but i decided a long time ago that the creation story in the Bible has a flaw or two. wait wait, hear me out before you start going all John the Baptist on me, but it just couldn't be that way. here's what i'm thinking happened.

so God was hanging out making this, building that, and he thought, "i'm tired of just hanging out with angels, i mean... they're okay but i may have made them a little too two dimensional. i need someone to hang out with who gets me!" and then he thought, "hey… i'm God! i'll just make someone." of course the whole time thinking, "yep i still got it." then cracks his knuckles in satisfaction.

so he grabs a little clay (or some form of amino acid based protein globule stuff in the fridge), and packs this little guy together, breathes a little life into him (oxygen, nitrogen, helium, hydrogen, just some stuff he had laying around) and voila.

little guy says, "hey dude, what's up and who am i?"

God's already thinking, "what's with all the questions?"

"i think we'll call you adam, how's that sound?"

adam says, "works for me, got any food? that whole being created thing works up an appetite."

"you're a demanding little guy aren't ya? here, i made a garden for ya, and i'll come visit to see how things are going and we can hang out." says the creator of the universe with a rather self-satisfied look on his face.

"but there's food right?" asked adam.

so he slaps adam down in the garden of eden and goes on his merry way.

a little while later (space/time who knows how long) God pops in to see adam.

"hey adam how's it hangin?"

"dude… i am so bored. there is nothing to do here. and speaking of hanging i think you left a little extra cosmic clay here; what is that?

laughing God says, "future enhancement, you're gonna love it."

adam continues, "you know you don't even have cable, whatever that is? and you're always off creating shit. you never make time for me, and you used to bring me flowers. sure i got to name a few animals...like the dodo bird... and now...i... i just don't know anymore."

seeing an impending crisis, God has this brilliant idea, "adam, you hang here for a sec (all puns intended) and i'll be right back."

"you better be… i hate it when you're gone so long! i have needs too… or do i?"

so like...God blinks back to the lab, grabs some more goo and starts to forming. this time he's a bit more patient. he adds a little dough here, and subtracts a little there, gives it a more streamlined aerodynamic look, not the boxy Yugo like design he used the first time.

he get's it all formed and stands back and says, "hey, i've really outdone myself on this one!"

he gets the "breath of life tank" out and shoots her a snort load, and she perks right up. God steps back to admire his work and she says, "hey, MY EYES ARE UP HERE BUD!"

"she caught me!" he thought a little embarrassed. "i'm fucking good! that girl is fine. there is no way i can top that!" now remember, kelly kapowski had not been born yet.

he excuses himself and says, "i think i'll call you josephine!"

"in a pigs wet dream you will! that the best you can do?" she scolds.

"umm, sally?"

"no!"

"umm, tina? maybe turner?"

"i don't think so!"

"fucking whore. what about eve?"

"hhhhmmm… i like it!"

wipes his metaphorical forehead and says okay then, eve it is. " he says; secretly thinking, "i was about to cut that bitches head off."

god says to eve, "there's someone i want you to meet." blink and they're gone.

so God and eve show up in the garden and what's adam doing? yeah you guessed it… started something that will never ever stop. jerking off, farting in a jar and smelling it...you know, normal guy stuff.

adam sees eve and starts walking toward her while God's trying to get adam's attention, but adam walks right by God without a word.

"hi my name's adam," he says as he extends his hand, "and might i say what a hottie you are!"

she thinks, "Oh my God... another one."

"hey adam… dude… THE EYES ARE UP HERE!" says eve in an exasperated voice.

see the way i see it, men were the rough draft, but women were the masterpiece. men are all boxy square and sharp angles (and there's the whole penis thing… what the hell was that about?), but women are soft curves and all kinds of geometric delights. circles here and there, and perfectly placed rounded triangles, and gently angled curves; an under paid geometry teachers delight.

the reason God stopped creation after making woman is not because he was tired… he's fucking God. he stopped because everything after that would be redundant.

once you write that Pulitzer prize winner, the best you can ever do is equal it. God didn't say "and it was good" he said "wow, i shall one day invent the internet and playboy to show off to the rest of the world just how good i am."

i've also figured out why it takes women so long in the bathroom… there's a mirror in there, and i know what they're saying, "hey. THE EYES ARE UP HERE!"

women...what's not to like?

-jem